I Choose to Be...

I have had several people ask me recently why I have stopped writing my blog posts. While I make the usual excuses of lack of time, the truth is, I am no longer sure what to say. My blogging journey started six years ago, sitting by Aarav’s hospital bed. Even then, I believed that everything that began must have an end, and my blogs, too, would end with the grand finale of Aarav’s recovery.

Six years later, I know better. While we have come a long, long way from where we started, the road ahead seems equally stretched out and indistinct. When Aarav’s physiotherapist tells me that there are some things beyond the scope of medicine, I find myself wondering- what if we have used up our share of miracles in bringing him to this point? What if this is it? The what-ifs are plenty, far more than the answers.

And then, I tell myself that there is so much to be thankful for. I just need to choose what to be.

Aarav is a delight. Bringing him up is a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything. He exasperates me, drives me mad with his moodiness, and in the next moment, drowns me with an overwhelming wave of love. Each day is different with him. One doesn’t know who shall wake up in the morning- the sunshine Aarav or the grumpy one!

I recently watched the play “Humare Ram.” At the end, the producer, who also plays the character of Lord Ram, spoke about how this was their 455th show. He went on to say that they did the first show, and then the others just happened. “Karni aur honi mein fark hota hai. Kuch cheeze hum karte hai, aur kuch ho jaati hai.”

What happened with Aarav was not in our hands. What has been and is in our hands is how we deal with it. I am not one of those who believe in being stoic or being forcefully cheerful 24x7. Both are extremes in my opinion. Instead, I give leeway to the bad days and am thankful for the good ones. As I said, there is much to be grateful for if one chooses to look.

As I write this, Aarav calls one of his friends to ask if he is free to play chess with him. The boy answers, and there’s another friend with him. They have just returned from football. I see several emotions cross Aarav’s face. The longing to also be able to play football, the wistfulness that two of his friends are together, and finally, an inexplicable expression when he says, “It’s okay if you don’t want to come online and play chess. I understand.” And even as it aches for this little boy, my heart swells with pride. Because, being brave doesn’t mean you don’t feel bad; it means moving past it and not letting it impact your relationships. I wish more adults would learn what Aarav has in the past few years.

Today, I choose to be grateful. For all the invaluable time I get to spend with my kids, for the support I get from my family, for my friends who refuse to let me crumble, for being able to walk and drive and eat and just live. So many things to choose from, to give thanks for.

As a die-hard SRK fan and an incurable romantic, I shall leave you with this.

“Kehte hai agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaho toh poori kainaat usse tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai.”

Aarav shall walk unaided one day. Bas, kainaat ko kuch waqt lag raha hai. 

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